How did we get Here?

Even homogeneous societies still delve
into self manageable or micro-identities.

@pretty.muslm.couples

. God created the earth.

2. β€œLet’s make man…” and so forth.

3. People have one language and in agreement and try to build a tower.

4. God confuses their language and scatters them around the world,including West Africa.

Cultural diffusion.

Whoever is killed under the banner of blind following, which calls to tribalism or supports tribalism, then he has died upon ignorance.” The prophet muhammad.S.A.W.

What is peculiar to ethnicity or tribalism is that β€œit involves demands by one group on other competing group(s)” (Nnoli; 2008). Chinua Achebe in his view describes ethnicity β€œas discrimination against a citizen because of his/her place of birth” (Achebe; 1997).

Islam doesn’t preach tribalism. Therefore, anyone who practices it is following his own personal goal.

We are born into ethnic and tribal communities that endow upon us identities, histories, legacies, pains, joys, struggles and potentials and mostly pride.

The knowledge that before you there were others who contributed and added value a people and period in time, bettering the lot and leaving historical tales and stories challenging and demanding that you know about them and add a measure equal or more than what was.

It would be a bore to share the same historical perspective with everyone you meet with in a bus or at work…where’s the fun in that.

Even homogeneous societies still breakdown into self manageable or micro-identities

Forget diversity think inclusion

Why Emotional Intelligence is more important than Mere Understanding in Marriage

What Marriage Has Taught Me So Far:

INTRODUCTION

Let’s start with some random quite interesting quote (so to speak)

Love needs time to be found and when found needs Intelligence to be applied to solve problem

The ability to manage our emotions and feeling is very crucial, nevertheless, so is our ability to understand and interpret the emotions of others.

Could you picture a world where you cannot understand when a friend, a spouse, a sibling, a parent, or a co-worker is depressed, sad or angry?
Psychologists refer to this ability as emotional intelligence

and some experts even suggest that it can be more important than IQ.

While IQ proves your smartness and determines 15% of your success, emotional intelligence determines 85% of your success.
Since 1990, Peter Salovey and John D Mayer have been the leading researchers on emotional intelligence.

They proposed a model which identified four different factors of emotional intelligence namely;

emotional perception,

emotional reasoning,

emotional understanding,

emotional management.

All the factors above enhance the smooth sailing of Marriage. This is to point out that marriage and emotional intelligence are like inseparable twin.
Since “Emotions Elites defined as a positive or negative experience that is associated with a particular pattern of physiological activity that produce different physiological, behavioral and cognitive behavior”, the more couples are able to master these four factors mentioned above, the less room they create for chaotic clashes.

Allah has made it clear to the believing men that women are more emotionally vulnerable, sensitive, responsive, and tender.

Women are emotional creatures, one minute she could be all happy and sweet and the next, she looks pale and unhappy. So, it is up to a husband to be able to put up with such moodswings and try tackle the problem.

Part of the reasons for failed marriages today inclu

  • Man’s will to show superiority over women.
  • Egoistic behavior.
  • Disobedience to the commandment of Allah.
  • Negligence
  • Ingratitude
  • Arrogance.
  • Impatience
  • Lack of self control

These among many others clogs one’s emotional intelligence. Hence, this is a show of arrogance to Allah. And Allah said in Qur’an 85 v 60:

And your Lord says: “Call on Me; I will answer your (Prayer): but those who are too arrogant to serve Me will surely find themselves in Hell – in humiliation

A man returns home from work and suddenly observes the floor is unusually becoming too sticky due to oil stains. He gets furious and tries to correct his wife but puts it in a harsh manner. Consequently, he gets a negative response or reaction from her. This is not because she intentionally intends to get picky or offended, but because she is more emotional. Thus, it is now left for the man to reconsider and apologize for his wrong choice of word or mannerism, then look for a more subtle word or expression to pass his message across. Doing this show’s his emotional intelligence – his emotional reasoning on the one hand, which is what made him prioritize what to pay attention and react to amidst other observation he made upon his return; his emotional management on the other hand, proving his ability to feel an emotion (irritated and furious) without having to act upon it.

Allah has also commanded the believing women to respect their husband and control their tongue.

In any case , women should be soft, linient understanding and know how to approach or talk to their husbands, when she called him 5 times to ask him why he forgot to get steaks from the grocery and he did pick up, to why he didn’t complement her since 3 days and not remembering their Saturday morning pre yoga ritual, everyone has emotions and the husband isn’t an exception. So wives should be try to be considerate as this gradually sums up to create a lasting impression about them and emotional intelligence.

Never forget that your relationship with your spouse is an emotional battle 24/7. So,the way you handle your emotions decides the happiness quotient ( a measure of the amount of happiness one has achieved in life) and in your married life.

In terms of tolerance and perseverance, these are some of the

QUALITIES AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PERSON MUST POSSES:

  • Ability to understand the emotions of ur spouse from his/her view.
  • Capacity to make your spouse understand your emotions from your viewpoint.
  • Your skills to channel your emotions in the right way to make your spouse happy and content in your relationship
  • Your gift to realize that your spouse is an individual. So, you accept him/her for what he/she is.

For an emotionally unintelligent person:

1. You never understand the emotional need of your spouse which makes you unhappy and miserable

2.Your inability to convey your emotional needs to your spouse which makes you angry and get frustrated and dippressed.

Emotional intelligence is two sided and must be used positively. The couples inability to understand this is partly the reason for domestic violence. A man is not supposed to beat his wife, doing so is a sign of his physical strength but emotional weakness and inability to positively use his emotional intelligence. This when he let’s his emotions override his intelligence.

Rasullulah (SAW) is a perfect example for the Muslims to follow as he is the best in character and manner.

It was narrated that Aisah (R.A) said that :

The messenger of Allah never beat his servants, or wives, and his hand never hit anything” Sunnan Ibn Maja

HOW TO ENHANCE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE:

  1. Don’t interrupt or change the subject
  2. Don’t judge or edit your feelings or your spous’s too quickly
  3. See if you can find connection between your feelings and see if other times you must have felt the same way.
  4. Connect your feelings with your thoughts
  5. Listen to your body and your spouses body language
  6. If your don’t know how you are feeling ask someone else
  7. Tune into your unconscious feelings
  8. Ask yourself, How do I feel today?
  9. Write your thoughts and feelings down
  10. Know when enough is enough.

Marriage is a place of work where you are given a long term appointment. It is left to you keep your job or loose it. To develop emotional intelligence we need to practice enlarging our inner passion at every moment. It doesn’t matter what is going on in our world or even how we feel within ourselves at every moment. Infact , the best we accomplish something is when we least feel like trying because the hopeless part of our lives need the light.

Finally, the way you approach yourselves, when you need money, when you are tired, when you need his attention, when you want to complain about something he did wrong or the way you generally respond to his flaws gradually sums up to creating a lasting impression about you and says a lot about your emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is two sided and must be used positively. The couples inability to understand this is partly the reason for domestic violence. A man is not idealy supposed to beat his wife. Doing so exemplifies his physical strength but tantamount to his emotional weakness and inability to positively use his emotional intelligence. This is when he let’s his emotions override his intelligence.
A pious wife is keeper not breaker. A pious husband builds the home not collapse it. As a woman, the way you treat your husband reflects in his attitude in public. From his boost of self esteem to his successful day at work. As a man, the way you handle your wife also reflects in her face and her general comportment in public. All these are due to how peaceful your inward coexistence has been as a couple. Ability to practicalize the tenets of the religion of Islam (peace) to over power impending chaos, ability to agree to disagree, ability to master positively, your emotional intelligence help save your marriage.

In Shaa Allah

Diary of a muslima

Like an artist, you pride in beautifying the wall paper of your life to look as classic as Mona Lisa

The wall now cracks and comes crushing down beyond  your imagination… This is Qadr

You start to cuddle the thousands of minutes you have spent arranging your designs and how much you have waited patiently to get colourful blend where it suits.

You start to think, how to , where to, when to, what to start.

You sit with an aching back, you stand with flingy legs, scrub your head on the ground, spank you feet, gnash your teeth against themselves, scratching you hair. 

And why why why is the next question you want to ask

After you always had believed in the word “qadr” you always knew it was an article of faith and little tests came you passed and passed so well. So, there you were, bubbling your heart in belief that your faith was strong enough to smile through the walls of jannah.

Now, the true test is here!  

You lost something so dear!

You lost someone so dear!

Now you see,  you let your action bet that  you never heard anything about qadr or faith?
Now, that the true test prevails you are akinh “why” as if, you could create a life. As if God is your mate.Even the Angels can’t dare.

I personally now believe that loosing my father was Allah’s decree. Apart from ascribing it to general scientific predictions, I tried thinking why Allah did what He did and why He did it at that point in time. But why should I ? I dare not question Allah’s predestination. 

QADR (predestination/ devine decree/ destiny):

This is to say that lamenting over and over and over what you lost is like believing that there could be or should be something or someone else who could/would have done better than what Allah did. It’s like wishing Allah never did so. Because you felt having that thing is what you want. But you forget that it is not what you want that Allah gives you. He gives you what you need. For every pain there is relief. For every loss there something greater calling on you…qadr

For He know best
Ali narrated that one day the Messenger of Allah was sitting with a wooden stick in his hand with which he was scratching the ground. He raised his head and said, β€œThere is none of you, but has his place assigned either in the Fire or in Paradise.” They (the Companions) inquired, β€œO Allah’s Messenger! Why should we carry on doing good deeds, shall we depend (upon Qadar) and give up work?” Muhammad said: β€œNo, carry on doing good deeds, for everyone will find it easy (to do) such deeds that will lead him towards that for which he has been created.” Then he recited the verse: β€œAs for him who gives (in charity) and keeps his duty to Allah and fears Him, and believes in al-Husna, We will make smooth for him the path of Ease (goodness) (Surah al-Lail 92:5-7). Sahih muslim
“They will cry out to them: Were we not with you? They shall say: Yes! but you caused yourselves to fall into temptation, and you waited and doubted, and vain desires deceived you till the threatened punishment of Allah came, while the archdeceiver deceived you about Allah. ”
— Qur’an, Sura 57 (Al-Hadid)

Who then are you to deny the favours if Allah and question His devine decree?
Instead;

After you pray daily…put your request sincerely before Him

then forget about it;  He will answer you.

πŸ‘πŸ’― If you are a Muslim remember nothing on this earth exists on its own without an Overseer.  

From the first thing  you thought when you were a feotus to the last thing you will say on the day of judgment

  From what happens under water to what happens inside the brightness of the sun.

From what still makes your finger nails glued to your finger to what happens in between your blood and your hair… Qadr

 The doer-  the undoer – the master planner is there- Allah( God) is there He made it. Everything and watches over it… he says be and it is…qadr

If you are a Muslim remember nothing on this earth exists on its own without an Overseer.